Love in Disarray

Several nights ago, I was made to take a reluctant stroll down memory lane upon receiving this text message from a friend - He’s with her tonight. Never thought it would hurt this much. Picturing my dear friend’s face crumpling into tears at the thought of her loved one in the ultimate act of betrayal, my mind instantly wandered to once upon a time, when I was entangled in something similar.

When you initially find yourself in a messy love triangle, you will yourself to remain strong, anticipating the brewing storm ahead. You fake happiness to others by pretending you still have him captivated under your spell. You embrace your memories ever so closely, hoping they won’t be your last and struggle to keep your emotions intact, fearing he’d notice and resent your vulnerability.

As days turn into weeks and weeks into months, you slowly start to lose resolve. It gets harder to maintain a strong façade. Each time you see him sending an “innocent” text message to her, your heart breaks. When you catch him smiling and whispering into his cell phone, your heart shatters into a million more pieces. A moment he stays away is an eternity of excruciation.

And yet, you persevere; desperately clinging to any hope of rekindling an inevitably dying romance. You refuse to allow that one constant leave your already topsy-turvy life so you continue to be a willing player in this torrid love affair, simply because it’s better to play than to be benched.

Despite your brave front, you’re slowly disintegrating inside. You despise yourself for compromising your principles to his notion of perfection. You've become a distant silhouette of your former self; changing into the person he so desired. Just when you’re about to lose your identity completely, you realize that he too has metamorphosed into a complete stranger that in no way resembles the guy you initially fell for.

And so you leave, walking out with what little strength and pride remaining within. You take consolation in acknowledging that love isn’t what you seek if it means having to be his second choice. You realize that once love turns into anger and hate rears its ugly head, the only way out of your insanity is to walk away and let him go. You recognize that dreams don’t always come true, no matter how badly you want them to but most of all you now understand that true love, whatever his standards, was never meant to be that hard.